Tuesday, September 9, 2008

This season of our despair, next season of light

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way--in short, the period was so far like the present period…Charles Dickens – Tale of Two Cities

Dickensque

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair. For our family and friends, the last half year has been every bit as Dickensque as you can imagine. A Darling Aunty dying from brain tumour, a child (post-liver transplant) suffering from relapse of bile duct narrowing. Princess of the House (our daughter Julia) spent 8 weeks in hospital sorting out her bile duct problems. She still wears a tube, hanging from the top of her belly like a weird extension (in case the surgeons need access).


This April just past was the worst of times for us. Darling Aunty got diagnosed with brain cancer. This June past, was the worst of times, Princess of the House got very sick. The worst of times because for the longest time in these very sultry winter months, the doctors were looking for clues of whether Princess of the House was having a relapse of her childhood cancer. We had a heavy block dropped off our backs on Monday results from a PET scan in Melbourne showed all is well on the cancer front for Princess.


Lessons

What the last 5 months-plus has taught me is that the worst of times, can also be the best of times. It was the best of times because I have seen much greatness and professionalism among our care gives (read Liver Transplant nurses, nurses at Ward 25A, the mostly-bald headed Gastroenterology guys at Starship Hospital (well pardon me, including one impeccably dressed lady consultant with accessories to die for); Northern Hospital School teachers – hear the gong folks!).


It was the best of times because we learnt that humans cope despite great adversities. We wake in the morning, hoping it will be a better day, that the sun will still rise as it surely does. We wake up knowing our friends and family are there for us. We wake up hoping the Boffins and their friends (read people of science) may have some answers for us; that we will be one step closer to the end of the dark tunnel, closer to some answers.


The answers may not be what we desire to hear. Our Darling Aunty has been given months to live. We enter the realm of incredulity, the season of darkness; we sink into the winter of despair.


But these can be the best of times for us – because we learn to grow as humans, to see this as the time to seize the day, to live life with no regrets, to show kindness; to exercise compassion, to learn tolerance as a way of life, and say the prayers we never seem to find it easy to say. This is the time to feel the frailty of human life.


These can be the best of times as we learn to greet death in its gruesome face with as much surety as we greet the transcendence of the beautiful rising sun. That because instinctively we seek to live, we surely also, must by the same logic, have to seek to let go when that time comes.


Magical cat

There is a certain cartoon character – a pudgy blue robot cat which speaks with a mechanical human voice called Doraemon (Pico Iyer's version of the cat) – which I love. Doraemon always has a solution, something he can pull out of his magical pouch. Miraculous feats happen in Doraemon’s presence. Pipping hot ramen in bowls for Nobita and his friends atop a gigantic tree with vistas as wide as the eyes can see. How I wish Doraemon could produce a magical pill for Darling Aunty.


However, there is nothing magical to be found by way of how science takes it own pace to develop – not fast enough for Darling Aunty, I am afraid.


Season of light

So as surely as one accepts the rising sun must set, the time must come when we will have to let death come into our doors. For in dying, there is new life. In new life, springs the shoots that gives hope.


For now, for those who are grieving, our singular most important lesson must be that what keeps our daily life much more bearable is that spring of hope – that tomorrow will be a brighter day. That once we learn to let go gently, at our own pace - tomorrow, yesterday, the day before, last year and all of days, need not be the winter of our despair, but the season of new light.

6 comments:

  1. "But these can be the best of times for us – because we learn to grow as humans, to see this as the time to seize the day, to live life with no regrets, to show kindness; to exercise compassion, to learn tolerance as a way of life, and say the prayers we never seem to find it easy to say. This is the time to feel the frailty of human life" - very well said Lady Lavender, very well indeed.

    She has chromosomal disorder and will not be perfect, many people said to me....But I replied, "who is?" Life is not meant to be perfect in the first place. Perfection is a myth, I say. By all means, it will remain a journey, to perfection. Yes, just a journey towards it. Humans have existed for thousands of years, anyone seen a perfect human? The world is besieged with many people with a shallow thinking of life, unfortunately.

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  2. Hi Nonengko, does someone have chromosomal disorder in your family? Wishing you strenght and courage on your journey. Wishing you joy in this imperfect world that has distinct moments that are close to perfection.

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  3. Yes,it's my daughter. Thank you for your kind wishes

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  4. hi lady lavendar - i felt the sadness of what you wrote and i also felt your strength in looking ahead and beyond.

    when my dad was diagnose with cancer a couple of years back all of us was in a limbo... he passed on.

    we were broken heart-ed, sad and lost but collectively we eventually found the truth that nothing in this world is meant to be permanent.

    everyone move on and those left behind must be brave enough to carry on.

    my heart ache when you talk about your princess - i have two and one prince at a tender age and i dont know if i have your strengths if i am in the same situation.

    your writing is an inspiration to me and I wish you and your family the best.

    I find solace in "dont quit" and i would like to dedicate it to u.

    Dont Quit
    When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
    When the road you are trudging seems all uphill,
    When the funds are low and the debts are high,
    And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

    When care is pressing you down a bit,
    Rest, if you must, but do not quit.
    Life is queer with its twists and turns,
    As everyone of us sometimes learns,
    And many a failure turns about,
    When he might have won had he stuck it out.

    Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
    You may succeed with another blow.
    Success is failure turned inside out,
    The silver tint of the clouds of doubt.

    And you never can tell how close you are,
    It may be near when it seems so far.
    So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
    It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

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  5. God’s gift plenty
    Giving out in His name
    Knowing how His children behave
    In this world He makes us glow

    Sometimes He takes away
    People we know; people dear to us
    Letting us know we aren’t perfect
    So we shouldn’t be so

    Precious moments we cherish
    Amongst loved ones and dear friends
    Along the way we mustn’t forget
    It is just a test of faith

    I had seen my younger sister passed on
    When she was young running in high spirit
    And the next episode she had to go
    I cried in my sleep………..
    I couldn’t face the truth
    Till today I still feel the pang
    Why I can’t face her for her last journey?

    A few years ago my youngest brother went away
    Admitted to hospital for months
    Then he was discharged and succumbed to his drinking
    Egged on by his friends…………..
    He was gone in the morning
    I rushed back managed to kiss his warm forehead
    I had taken the step to brush away my ghost…..

    I know how you feel
    It is test of faith of how one deal with it
    Treasure the moments enjoy the flow
    God works His magic in many ways
    Only just don’t quit praying………

    We can only communicate
    In praying to God for His Grace
    Talking in silence murmuring sometimes
    We wish He hears us
    Crying for His help….

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  6. dear madam,
    i feel for you as i know how it feel. the sadness never leaves you even though how much you try. especially when its your child that is not well.
    wishing you the be strong for your daughter

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Hi, I welcome your say on the matter!